The Start of a Rapping Career

So right now I'm at my parents' house.

Let me break down how weird that statement is. 1) I said "my parents' house" instead of "my house" for the first time in basically my entire life. For 18 years or whatever -- maybe 17 years; I don't know how often I talk about residences -- it has always been "my house," and now it's "their house."

Weird.

Anyways, that's the breakdown.

This conceptual turnaround is probably just because they move so much and I haven't actually had time to live in this particular house so it feels all "theirsy" instead "miney." Like, if they would just stay put I would probably still claim partial ownership.

But still. I mean, it's so familiar on the one hand -- half-unpacked boxes in the corners, stocked bookshelves and counters, homeschooling books and Gameboy games on the coffee table, a mess of linguistic materials on every flat surface.

But on the other hand, it's a weird house with a weird shape in a weird place right next to a hill, and we've never had a house right next to a hill. It's definitely not home.

So in conclusion, my family's nomadic nature is driving me out of identification with them.

In other news, I spent four hours yesterday writing raps when I should have been doing homework. This is terrible. It's stupid, it puts me behind in work, I feel vaguely dissatisfied at the end of it .... But I just can't stop. It's insanely addictive, like playing Minecraft at 3 A.M.

And the worst part about writing raps is that the flow is fickle. Some days you can sit and write down garbage-y little end rhymes for an hour straight without popping out any really catchy lines. And then other days your pencil hits the paper and it's a lyrical laboratory inside of your brain. And when that happens you just can't stop, because you're Drake and you know you're going to get that call if you just keep laying down flows.

Actually, as grim and depressed I sound about this habit, I don't really regret the time spent. It's fascinating, and you improve so quickly that it stays entertaining. If I didn't have homework, I would write raps every hour of the day.

In other other news, my family left me alone for a few hours today to do homework and I decided to test my verbal efficacy without the inhibition of human presence.

Pros: I got to hear what my voice sounded like saying raps. And the rhymes actually translated to audio pretty well.

Cons: I had to hear what my voice sounded like saying raps. It was pretty awful.

No, but really. I was already kind of psyched up because I had listened to a dozen or so white rappers on YouTube and it sounds ridiculously bad. But then at the same time I had Eminem going through my head. And so I wasn't sure what to expect. And then I kind of spat a few raps just out loud and my voice sounded like a cross between, like, Kanye and Drake and Weezy.

And I've recorded my voice before and listened to it -- even singing -- so I know that what I hear isn't what reality hears, but when I recorded my voice and played it back, I just didn't have my expectations in the right area.

First of all, my voice is so deep. And not even mellow deep. Just like cracky "I'm a golem" deep.

Second, I sound super unconfident. Even when I spit lines like I'm angry, which I've learned makes them sound stronger. It still sounds all timid and white suburban.

Third, I have a lisp. Weird. Weird weird weird weird weird. Like, I was kind of prepared for how deep and cracky my voice would be. I was kind of prepared to be less confident-sounding than Eminem. But a lisp? Honestly, genetics? That just came totally out of left field. Like, when I talk normally it's only sort of audible, but when I try to rap it's just ridiculous. It sounds like I have a fat lip, or maybe half a tongue.

So in conclusion, there are many impediments to my rapping career at the moment. I would say quality of lyrics is kind of a low priority at the moment. That's not as hard to improve in. But nature has left me with a few obstacles to being able to captivate with my presentation of these flows and I'm going to need to sort that out before I contact Lil Wayne or Dr. Dre.

In final conclusion, it is only 12:15 and I'm headed for bed. Being home has huge advantages.